turn

What does the declaration of "not guilty" found in Romans 3:22 mean to you? -CR Step Study 

I've seen Christ change me in ways I never thought possible before I knew and accepted him.  The bible says "If anyone belongs to Christ there is a new creation.  The old things have gone, everything is made new." 2 Corinthians 5:17  

I believe that trusting in Jesus has made it possible for every positive change in my life.  I used to lie a lot before I knew God, after I knew Him my ability to lie became almost impossible because of the guilt laid on me when doing so.  Living with my husband before we were married became so unbearable I was close to leaving him because he kept putting off setting a wedding date.

I think that trusting in Jesus makes sinning more difficult for me to do, because He makes me more aware of the sin in my life.  It does not mean that if I trust in Jesus I can sin all I want and get away with it, which is what I used to think before I knew Christ (that Christians were a pack of judgemental hypocrites).  I've learned that through Christ I can be free from the burden of my sin by Him making it possible for me to choose not to sin.  I don't call myself a Christian because I don't sin, I call myself a Christian because I've realized I need Christ in my life because I sin.  I need Him to save me from myself because on my own I fail time and time again.

Principle 3 Prayer (taken from the CR Step Study book)

Dear God, I have tried to do it all by myself, on my own power and I have failed.  Today, I want to turn my life over to You.  I ask You to be my Lord and my Savior.  You are the One and only Higher Power!  I ask that You help me start to think less about me and my will.  I want to daily turn my will over to You, to daily seek Your direction and wisdom for my life.  Please continue to help me overcome my hurts, hang-ups, and habits and may that victory over them help others as they see Your power at work in changing my life.  Help me to do Your will always.  In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

I am currently participating in a Celebrate Recovery (a Christian-based 12 step program) Step Study.  I am posting an answer to one question a week here on my blog to share.  Find all my posted Lesson answers HERE.

Sanity

What areas of your life are you ready to release control of and hand over to God? Be specific. -CR Step Study

I have a hard time with this question because I feel I have been or said I've been ready to release control of my food to the Lord so many times.  I want to say it again, but because of my past, I feel anxious and doubtful.  Instead I will say I am ready to release control of my past failures and successes-- to attempt to not allow these to affect my decisions and emotions today.  I may have failed or did great yesterday, but today is a new day and I need to stay focused on now.  I have different scenarios I'm faced with today than I was faced with 4 years, 2 years, a month, or even a day ago.  I can't live back there.  I want to be ready to release control of my food to God.  I want to be OK with only being able to eat a small variety of foods instead of feeling sorry for myself or angry because "It's not fair."  I want to release control of my anxieties to God, when I feel them, pause, and let Him deal with them instead of me and my schemes and compulsions.  I want to release control of anger and frustrations in the same way.  I need divine peace and patience injected into my life here.


Father God, 
You know how I feel about giving my food over to you daily.  How I struggle with controlling it... how I rationalize eating things I cannot eat without falling into gluttony.  Lord I need you to make me willing, daily, to give this over to you.  I need you to speak against the whispers of the enemy.  You have been faithful and I have seen this already happening, I want more of it.  I am feeling more confident lately, in a genuine way, not an eccentric way-- thank you God!  Slowly this fog of anxiety I've been living in is being lifted and the changes are exciting and frightening at the same time.  Lord  I need you to walk next to me in the darkness and lead me through it all.  Bless my efforts and protect me from any evil schemes against me!  Remind me you will open the right doors, help me to run through them!  I find safety and comfort in your embrace, Lord, thank you so much for what you are changing inside me.  
In the name of Jesus Christ I pray- Amen.

I am currently participating in a Celebrate Recovery (a Christian-based 12 step program) Step Study.  I am posting an answer to one question a week here on my blog to share.  Find all my posted Lesson answers HERE.

hope

What do you believe about God?  What are some of His characteristics? -CR Step Study

I believe God wants to help me and heal me, but I get in my own way.  I have experienced many miracles by Him in my life, and know that when I am faithful, He shines for me.  I believe his love for me is huge and unfathomable.  He showed that love to me the day I let my guard down and let Him inside.

I lived for several years as an atheist, through a conversation with a friend about God I found Him.   He was not lost, I was.  I had said to my friend, "if God is so big, perfect and loving; where has He been through all of my the garbage I've been through?"  My friend said, "but what if He was there the whole time?"

As I contemplated that question God broke into my thoughts and gave me visions of all the places in my life He had been there for me: places where I thought I had been alone in agony, where he had (literally) saved my life.  Then all at once I was blasted with His love- and what affected me most- his absolute forgiveness.  I had been so bad and done so much wrong, I had always felt that if God was real, he wouldn't want anything to do with me-- someone who had done many many despicable and shameful things-- but he did.  He wanted me so much, a want I can't even describe with words.  He had stayed with me through all the terrible things I had done, been loyal to me and waited patiently filled with love for my return to Him.

The way I came to God, what He showed me that day, made it impossible for me to deny his existence any longer.  Although I have free will, I see now looking back that He put in place all these little things that softened my heart toward Him... then waited for the perfect time to welcome me back into his arms.  It reminds me of the way a man charms a woman into marriage.

What is God for me?  My God is my superhero.  He has my back always.  No matter where I am with Him, He will be there.  He loves me when no one else can.  He is my friend when I have none.  He genuinely cares about my life and even the tiny details of it.  He knows me inside and out, He spent the time to knit me together in my mother's womb.  He disciplines me as a loving father would.  He accepts me as his CHILD.  He hurts when I do.  He comforts me when I am sad.  He celebrates with me when I'm happy.  He finds absolute joy in surprising me with his gifts.  I cannot imagine my life without Him.  My God, my father, my Abba.




I am currently participating in a Celebrate Recovery (a Christian-based 12 step program) Step Study.  I am posting an answer to one question a week here on my blog to share.  This is from Lesson 3: Hope.  You can also read my answers from Lesson 1 and Lesson 2.

powerless

Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people. In what areas of your life have you been selfish? -Celebrate Recovery step study 

I used to think I was the most unselfish and loving person I knew.  Talk about pride and denial!  I was generous so people would love me, was flexible so people wouldn't get mad at me, didn't complain so people wouldn't leave me.  All it got me was a bunch of 'friends' who used/controlled me... and a lot of resentment.  I never did anything unless I felt there was something in it for me.

In my marriage I have withheld love and forgiveness because I didn't feel my husband deserved it from me, which only exacerbated problems between us.  I've learned that he doesn't deserve my love and forgiveness, but because Jesus loves and forgives me every day when I don't deserve it, I need to do the same in my marriage... and wow has it turned things around.

My social anxiety creates a selfishness in me, when I am so wrapped up in what I'm saying, etc, I forget to listen to the person/people I'm speaking with.  Also, like many people, I tend to talk a lot when I'm nervous, and I am ALWAYS nervous when I am talking to people, so I ramble a lot.  I think that when I'm talking I often fear judgement so I try to cover all angles someone could take what I'm saying so that they can't criticize me or misinterpret me, and it cuts off any type of back and forth dialogue.

I'm sure I've been selfish in many other areas of my life, I'm just not fully aware of it yet.  The Lord won't let me bite off more than I can chew, and I am very blessed for that.

Dear Father, 

I am so selfish sometimes, I've been so prideful and I feel ashamed.  You are so great to love and accept me today as I am, even when I am so imperfect and flawed, and that makes me feel so special.  I have done so many things I haven't wanted to do because I felt the only way to get love was to manipulate people into giving it to me... if only I had known of your love for me then!  Lord, I pray that I never forget about your love for me, that I think about that undying and uninterrupted love when someone slights me-- that I can be able to forgive those who have hurt me and love them like you do me.  Please continue to do magic in my marriage and other relationships, and stay close to me through all you are walking me through.  

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.



I am currently participating in a Celebrate Recovery (a Christian-based 12 step program) Step Study.  I am posting an answer to one question a week here on my blog to share.  Find all my posted Lesson answers HERE.

denial

As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself? -Celebrate Recover step study

I used anger to try to manipulate, I can see now that I've been throwing temper tantrums all my life to get my way.  I also would get people to feel sorry for me, or think I was so strong by kind of bragging about things I had been through.  I often exaggerated things to make myself look cooler/better.  I know I often used to adopt other peoples' stories as my own.

When I was very young I learned I could get lost in a book and spent a lot of time reading.  After my parents divorced, I frequently had trouble sleeping, so I would stay up all night reading.  I would draw a lot, dark scary things... I dressed sort of 'goth', dyed my hair dark red or black, and peirced my eyebrow, lip, and tongue... trying to scare people away (then get upset when people wouldn't accept me or give me a job!).

I would drink and act outrageous (for me anyway).  Drinking and doing drugs helped keep me from feeling anxiety in social situations, I could talk more openly and confidently.  I could also prove how amazing I was by out-drinking people in drinking games/contests.  I was/am very sarcastic and cynical.  Sarcasm protects me from having to be serious, it is also an outlet to be passive aggressive without actually confronting an issue.

I would meet people (usually men) that I had met on the internet to 'date' and often found myself in situations where I either say yes or become stranded somewhere.  I thought I had to say yes in order to get men to consider dating me anyway... I would agree to casual relationships when I wanted more, hoping that a guy would change his mind...

I was very into what music I listened to, and it was very important to me that people knew that I didn't listen to popular music, that I listened to what I thought was life-changing and amazing.  I worshiped the music I listened to in a way.  I had music for all moods and situations in life.  I tried very hard to impress people with my taste in music, art, and my eclectic 'style.'  These things are still a part of my life, but the importance of them is very low on the totem pole now... After I found Jesus, they just stopped mattering so much.  I find a more powerful release through prayer and obedience to Him now.

I am currently participating in a Celebrate Recovery (a Christian-based 12 step program) Step Study.  I am posting an answer to one question a week here on my blog to share.  Find all my posted Lesson answers HERE.

step 6 share

As I begin step work on my step 6, I am faced with finding willingness to allow God to remove my defects of character. I have to be willing to allow God to reveal my pain so we can sort it out and replace it with good things. In my celebrate recovery meeting on Friday, the lesson leader shared about step 6, that I can look at my resentments and defects as weeds in my garden that Jesus can and will remove for me, if I let him. That once removed, it's my job to replace that weed with something new. I never looked at this step this way before and it was a big eye opener for me. As I do my journaling this week I plan to use this visualization over and over again. It gives me hope and a goal (and I really love having a goal to work toward).

Yesterday I was forced to be willing to admit when I am rationalizing eating something off my poe, and told my sponsor that's what it was.  Yesterday I ate flour because I thought I would "experiment" and eat flour one day a week like I do when I'm fasting something.  I knew in my heart deep down it was a bad idea, I just pushed that feeling away. It's amazing when I want something bad enough, how easy it can be for me to believe my own lies. I'm happy to say that I spent the remainder of the day yesterday abstaining from trigger foods.

I'm learning that if I mess up, I need to be willing to admit it, and the sooner I do, the sooner I can move forward in recovery. Holding onto all the rationalizations and lies I believe holds me back, and confessing them as they come to me free me.

it can WAIT!

As a housewife/ stay at home mom, I have umpteen million things to do at any given time, and it never ends. I easily have sloffed off reading my bible or connecting with my Father because I have too much going on, too many distractions. These last couple weeks I've made it IMPERATIVE that I read my bible every morning no matter how many dishes are in the sink, even if no one has clean underwear, IT CAN WAIT!

Luke 10:38-42 New International Version (NIV)

At the Home of Martha and Mary
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

I need to sit at the feet of my Lord and take Him in, even if its just for a moment. I have two very small children (3 and 1), so we eat our breakfast, and after I'm finished, I read aloud as they finish theirs. I read aloud as they run around wild playing. I read aloud as my big boy sits in my lap and listens. Its been such a blessing each morning. Its become more important then everything else in my day. I look forward to it. I crave it more than food!

"He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." Deut. 8:3

god's economy

"In God's economy, nothing is wasted.  Through failure, we learn a
lesson in humility which is probably needed, painful though it is."

Bill W., Letter of 1942

Today's meditation has me thinking. I've been really having a hard time the last week:  Super stressed out, not able to focus, losing my abstinence, binging yesterday.... I keep hearing the lies of this disease in my mind (that are so obviously LIES from what it's caused for me this week) things like "maybe I can do this on my own" "I can eat these things in moderation".... No I can't. I can't do this on my own, I cannot eat trigger foods in moderation. It will put me right back in the prison of COE. Is this worth it? Worth a little bite of this or a little sip of that? This insanity and struggle I'm experiencing this week? I'm worth more, I deserve better, my body isn't a trash can. The body is a temple for the Holy Spirit, I don't need to be abusing it!

Lord, I need you. You are so big and strong, I can't do this alone today. I'm so weak. I'm absolutely powerless over food and my life is unmanageable! Please Lord take the wheel again, I'm so sorry I tried to take it back. You can have it. I don't want it anymore today. Amen

I've been trying to make sure that each morning after breakfast I read the word out loud. Even if it's just one chapter. I feel like the word spoken is filling my home with the power of the spirit and blesses the ears of my little ones. They might not listen or understand what they are hearing in the background as they play, but I know it's doing something.

I've also been reading a book called Sacred Marriage and the biggest thing I come away from each day is that my adversity and struggles in my life are what make me strong and shape me into a better warrior for the Lord. That if I look at each difficulty in my life as an opportunity for spiritual growth instead of something to lament and even run from, the Lord releases me from FEAR and fills me with CONFIDENCE. what a blessing this addiction to food is for me! What a blessing my marriage is! I can learn so much about forgiveness, grace, love, and sacrifice: The grace and sacrifice Jesus gave so freely for us to be saved! I have nothing to feel sorry about today!

this sacrifice

I feel I had a breakthrough last night during my prayer time, and that multiple times in my reading today the Lord has reinforced it.

Over and over in the NT we hear Jesus ask his followers to give up everything they know and follow him. And that he doesn't stand around and wait for people to say goodbye to their families, to put away their boats or livestock. He says if i am going to follow him I gotta drop everything and do it today, immediately! What really struck me today while reading Luke, where Jesus is talking about his second coming. He says:
"On that day, a person who is on the roof and whose belongings are in the house should not go inside to get them. A person who is in the field working should not go back home. Remember Lot's wife. [this part right here is what really got me--] *Those who try to keep their lives will lose them. But those who give up their lives will save them.*" Luke 17:31-33

Last night as I prayed I broke. I was wrestling with the Lord over a few things and what I realized is that it's pointless to fight. What am I fighting for? To stay miserable? If Jesus walked by and asked me to go with him would I REALLY be able to just walk away from it all? My family, my friends, my home, my Life? Last night I gave it all over to Him. Told him I don't want it anymore. He can have it all, just take me and use me for whatever it is He needs me for. Stop being afraid of offending others, of fitting in, of being right all the time. Then after all I said in my prayer (and yes I get that saying and doing are two different things, pray for me on the doing part!) I open my bible today and read that passage in Luke. Like God really is laying the heavy stuff on me, telling me when I say those things this is what he is wanting me to be willing to do. Ok.

... Lord I'm willing!

I'm going to be adding a more serious exercise regimen to my POA. Probably cutting back on diet soda, then eventually coffee, cutting it out entirely if the Lord tells me it's necessary. The fact that quitting those things scare me tells me there is an issue there. Am i relying on coffee more than God? I have some thinking to do about that.

rigorous honesty

http://52songproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/25_Honestly_720.png

If I am to grow in obedience to God, then I cannot be okay with lying. To myself or anyone else. Satan is called the "Father of Lies", even the smallest lie can lead to trouble. Its a dangerous activity for me, and I want to be through with it. I do not want to give the devil a foothold even with the smallest bit of dishonesty in my life!

Some questions from my OA Loop topic of the day that I answered today. I want to be able to return to these when I need to!

1. Are you committed again this day to eat in a God honoring way?
IF you deviate from this plan today will you see it as dishonest?

I AM! My POE (plan of eating) is to track my calories daily, stay within my calorie goal range, avoid trigger foods (anything with flour or sugar), and turn it all into my sponsor each evening. If I deviate from this, its probably 100% likely that I'm not working my program correctly or plugged into God-- and I often feel a extreme urge to cover this up or down-play it as not a big deal. It always is. The faster I fess up and repent, the easier it is to get back on the right track.

2.What is God teaching you about honesty? Name a bible verse that can help you to stay honest?

I'm finding out that when I feel I have been honest or think I AM being honest, I am often not. Its actually quite disturbing. When I toss out all my excuses and see them for what they are, all that's left is the truth... and the only way I can face it is with the hand of Jesus in mine!

The one whose walk is blameless is kept safe, but the one whose ways are perverse will fall into the pit. Proverbs 28:18

3 Tell of a time when the Spirit empowered you to speak the truth in love IF it was not received well, what was your response?

Most recently, I wrote a letter to my husband about things he was doing daily that had been hurting me and making things hard for me, and that God was teaching me to handle things differently (I struggle with co-dependency, and he's a believer struggling with addiction himself, but is not currently working any kind of program- just trying to deal with things on his own), and that as God shows me the way that his responsibility for himself and his own actions will be laid back upon his own shoulders. I was afraid of how he would react but did it as gently as I could, and it actually went very well. This type of communication (reading a letter vs just bringing up a subject and going back and forth about it getting us no where) was a great tool and we both decided we want to do that again. While I spoke to him and we discussed it after, I could feel the spirit of God in the room with us, and we made some real progress toward hopefully beginning to restore our marriage, and ME being able to release myself from the resentment I have been harboring toward my husband. The biggest most amazing thing about the entire conversation was the fact that I did not BLOW UP! I was able to take 10 steps back from my emotions and just listen and look at things as objectively as I could... and it was (and IS) such a blessing!

stinking thinking

Today I want to write about a topic that has come up several times to me this week: negative thinking, or what some like to say in this program "stinking thinking".

Sometimes these are inward thoughts like "I'm not good enough" or "what is wrong with me?"

I have noticed for myself, they tend to be thoughts about what is happening to me or other people around me. My friend is getting a divorce, a friends spouse died, I tried doing _____ and failed, my marriage sucks, my kids are bad, I feel so tired, I have too much to do, etc, etc, etc.

It's a chain reaction. Sometimes I see it, sometimes it takes someone saying something to me for me to see it, but it happens too often, too easily and too quickly. I can be full of hope and joy, and the next thing I know all I feel is despair and anger!

The last week or two, I've been struggling a bit. Not binging so much, just overeating, but I know that is very dangerous for me, and I am trying to refocus on God and the POSITIVE. I have been praying for God to reveal to me what is bringing me down, making me want to eat lately, and I realized after hearing it over and over again this week that I'm on a negative thinking binge!

The Lord gave me a great abstinent day yesterday, and it's renewed me. He put my kids to bed for a nap today as well so I could write. And then I read what finally blasted my mind wide open in a share today and I see why I've been on this roller coaster.

What is the remedy for negative thinking?

This is what I have found that works for me:
- reading positive quotes
- reading my bible
- writing a journal about my goals, focusing on ones you have achieved
- volunteering my time to serve a friend or stranger
- cleaning something
- writing a list of gratitudes
- calling someone who has helped me and telling them thank you

I'm sure there are more, feel free to add to my list! I will be adding more over time I'm 'positive' about that!

I'm done feeling sorry for myself today.

lord, i need a transplant!

I'm reading the new testament from beginning to end because I've never done it that way before, and I'm also one of those people who decides to read the entire bible in a year and I always start at the beginning and fizzle out around proverbs lol.

What I read today that was for me:

Matthew 13:12-13
And what is the seed that fell among the thorny weeds? That seed is like the person who hears the teaching but let's worries about this life and the temptation of wealth stop that teaching from growing. So the teaching does not produce fruit in that persons life. But what is that seed that fell on the good ground? That seed is like the person who hears the teaching and understands it. That person grows and produces fruit, sometimes sixty times more, and sometimes thirty times more.

Oh Lord! I need a transplant! Get me out of these weeds and put me in the good earth! I want my roots deep in you and to produce fruit! Amen!

searching fearlessly

so I'm working on my step 4...

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"

Its not very long this time.  My first step 4 was like 5 pages long.  this one is only about a page and a half.  I've been trying to search deeply, i have a few other things i think of, but they don't really bother me anymore because I've already pretty much dealt with them.  If I miss something or God reveals more to me later on, I can just add it to the list.  I don't know how long I should work on it.  I decided to take the AABB format, which I did not do the first time, and it revealed some things for me that I had not dealt with last time.  

This step SUCKS.  I can feel inside how much stuff I'm writing about is bothering me, and I can feel myself avoiding the work I need to do with it.  When I sit down to write about it my mind is blocked or distracted.  

I'm actually looking forward to step 5 because I just want to get it out there and done with!  I dreaded step 5 last time around.  I just gotta find someone to do it with.  

Although I have been in and out of recovery and OA, I have definitely internalized a lot of the steps.  I'm by far perfect, and even farther from perfect when I'm relapsed, but ITS SO WONDERFUL that I really do try to attempt to deal with my problems and face them now instead of hiding from them.  I still let people step over the line sometimes and take advantage of me, but I have learned how to say no and not feel crushing guilt about it.  And that is FULLY due to GOD.  He has saved me in so many ways!

I feel like I'm missing stuff in my list, but I also am really glad to see how short is it compared to the first time I did it.  It shows me that God is helping me deal with things.

I feel sad that my son, my little 3 year old son, is number 2 on my list.  But I know facing those resentments and disappointments will help my relationship with him.  When I began to write the other day, I didn't think he would even be on the list at all.

I watched a bunch of kid's bible stories today with my daughter, and I think its funny how they show person after person just dropping everything to follow Jesus without even flinching.  Maybe it was like that when it actually happened, but I am betting these people had a larger internal struggle than these little movies I watched today showed.  I see myself, and how much of a struggle it is for me to put down my work or my idols and follow Him.  But its getting easier every day.  The Lord is freeing me and moving the roadblocks I've put in the way so that I can get closer to Him.  I'm so grateful, and never want them to be in my way again!!  How rewarding it is to be obedient.

arrogance

I read half of Bills story in the aabb last night before bed. I've read it before a few times and I notice new things everytime. Like last night I saw that arrogance and self-centeredness Bill had early on in myself at one point. Before I had kids I lost a bunch of weight using sparkpeople and exercising constantly. I did find a pretty good rhythm for a while but I started getting stricter and stricter, then eventually I got pregnant and totally lost it all and was never able to white knuckle it that way again.

I remember feeling so good about how under control I was, how perfect everything was going, how on top of the world and unstoppable I felt... But it was all just a phase. In only lasted a year. I remember a few months after I had my son I was struggling really bad, gaining weight back I had relost, and having no idea how to stop it. I was searching the Internet and came across OA the first time and read step one and stopped there. I thought it sounded dumb and weak. How could I be powerless over FOOD? It was food, nothing more. Oh how arrogant and naive I was.

I tried another year to get control over my eating and lose weight but all I managed to do was slowly gain about 15 lbs and went from starving myself for days and binging for weeks. I tried all my old tricks, lots of new ones and couldn't get anywhere. I thought I was insane, weak, stupid... Pathetic..... When I finally came back to the oa site and reread step 1 and took back my first thoughts on it. I had proven to myself that year that I was indeed powerless over food and my life was unmanageable.

Thank God I don't have to manage my food on my own anymore!

Friday- A Thought about Idols

On a night a few weeks ago, I was in bed trying to sleep, stuffed full of food and just sick: sick of trying, sick of failing, sick of life. And I cried out to God and asked him to save me from this food addiction. He told me to leave all my facebook groups. At the time it seemed strange and unrelated, but I was willing to do anything so that night I got up, said my goodbyes, left the groups and unfriended all the people that I didn't know in real life. 

As the weeks have gone by I can see how much of an idol it had become in my life. When I had a problem, I went there for advice, when I had a triumph, I went there to exclaim it, when I was sad, I went to facebook, when I was lonely, I went to facebook, when I was happy I went to facebook.... you get the picture. At the time, I didn't think it was bad, and maybe to some it isnt. But I realize now that everything I was turning to facebook and my friends there for, I should have been turning to GOD for. I was unhappy and lonely and living in chaos because FACEBOOK CANNOT FILL ME UP LIKE GOD CAN.

Now, to me its obvious, what does that sound like? Replace the word facebook with food in the above paragraph. THUNDER AND LIGHTENING! BAM!

God has shown me in the last few weeks that I don't need facebook to get through life. That all I need is Him. And now that I'm leaning more on Him, its getting easier to want HIM instead of other idols in my life. Leaving facebook has started a chain of events that is revealing every idol in my life, and with God's help, I will remove each one! I do not want to live worshipping worldly things! I want to worship the LORD, the creator! The one with immeasurable love and grace!

The devil is sneaky, and can get me believing so many lies to stay in a bad place. But the power of Christ is in me and HE is for ME.

Anxiety = Hunger? NOPE

Its really interesting how I've associated the feeling of anxiety I get with hunger. I constantly feel that I need to go eat something, and it gives me extreme anxiety to not fulfill the compulsion... its eerily similar to what I've seen people go through on those A&E shows with people who have OCD and are going through cognitive-behavioral therapy... I guess I'm sort of putting myself through a bit of my own c-b therapy... I know that my body cannot stay in a state of anxiety for a lengthy period of time, so I just try my best to hold out until its over. It comes back in waves, but thank God its not as strong as it seems to be with those people on those shows!! (At least not today!) I know other days when I have more stress it will be much more difficult... but I feel like this knowledge is a gift from God that simplifies these urges and compulsions into something more than just feelings I must act on... It truly is amazing the amount of clarity I have been given in the few days!!

I suppose I feel sort of like a newly-released slave, who still has that fear of being captured again in the back of her mind.... Fortunately when I walk with my God I know I'm free and SAFE! Amen!

In the food...

I have not been doing well. I've been binging and eating compulsively... For days now..

I'm very tired.. Feeling weak... I'd like to move forward but I'm feeling shaky and afraid. I do well for a few weeks and fall out of it lose my abstinence and its so hard to get it back.

Dear Lord, my savior,

I'm crying out to you tonight to show me the grace I need right now. I'm afraid please take away my fear and give me back the confidence I've had the last few weeks. Help me rediscover myself and your strength. Remind me to wake every morning in and put my armor on to face each day and the battles within them. I know this walk is a tight rope act and need to keep my arms out to have balance. Lord take away my guilt and shame from the last few days and forgive me of my sins. This recovery is a gift from you and I claim it in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Monday Night

I have a confession to make.

Monday night we ordered Chinese food and I got egg foo young. Although I did not touch the rice I did eat all three huge patties, two big pieces of my husband's general tso's, and four crab rangoons. This was a binge. A small one for me, but a binge nonetheless.

Obviously I cannot have Chinese food anymore. It's that saltiness that gets to me. I have to be very careful.

I also have noticed on days I work out I have a really hard time with my food.

I have jumped right back on the wagon and am doing well again. Although this morning as I sit here I'm craving.

I have to bake a birthday cake today for my son's birthday party, then tomorrow I will be around the cake and pizza. I am trying to focus on the the fact that it's about him and not about the food. I am formulating a plan to help myself get through the food part. After hubby gets his peice of cake tomorrow any leftover will be put into the dumpster outside.

I am weak. I can't do this without God's strength. Today I'm praying for that strength and will pray to Him every moment I face temptation in the next couple days. Join me in prayer.

a metaphor for life

When I spoke with my counselor yesterday I told her about an important experience in my life that has been a metaphor for me reaching out and seeking help these last few months... and I want to share that metaphor with you today.

Mothers will probably understand most, but I think this can work for anyone.

When I was pregnant with my son, I found an OB, went to check-ups, knew I wanted a natural child birth, but decided to just go with the flow.  I did not like my doctor, or the office she worked for, but stayed because I didn't want to hassle with finding a new one.  When I went into labor I found myself in the hospital pretty much alone.  Yeah my boyfriend (now husband) was there, there were nurses in and out.. but I was pretty much alone.  Going through all that pain- alone.  After 8 hours of it I asked for the epidural.  I had a beautiful baby boy, but it didn't go at all how I imagined it would have.

Here they are, my beautiful gifts from God.

When I got pregnant with my daughter, I knew I wanted a natural child birth.  I researched like crazy.  Read a lot of books, watched a lot of documentaries, talked to a lot of other women.  I SOUGHT OUT the best midwifery in our city (knowing that midwives are more pro-natural birth than OB's), I chose them even though at the time I didn't know if my insurance would cover them or not because I didn't care.  I knew I needed people whose views aligned with my own, that actually CARED about my health, not a dollar in their pocket.  And they did.  They were amazing.  When I went into labor with my daughter I found myself in the hospital SURROUNDED by a room full of women who cared about me, who knew me, and who cheered me on through every. single. contraction.  And I didn't get an epidural.  I didn't even ask for one. I had a beautiful NINE POUND FOUR OUNCE baby girl without anything to NUMB THE PAIN.

I set myself up for success. I prayed to God through every contraction.  I had people there supporting me through every pain-filled minute.  The point is--- I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.  I can't get through this by myself.  I can't succeed on my own.

When I am having a hard time with a craving, or anxiety, or something just all around crappy happens in my life-- I can't just deal with it on my own, I will reach out for that pain medication-- food.  I may be powerless over an eating disorder disease, but I CAN set myself up for success.  I have a network of support at my fingertips with my computer, I have family and friends just a phone call away, and most of all-- Jesus is right here with me, living inside of me, and I can talk to him anytime, anywhere without a dime in my pocket or even a pocket at all.  HE is the living bread I can eat and feel WHOLE and ALIVE.

Oooo I just got chills, did you?

Thank you, Lord for being my bread- for always placing the perfect people in my life.  GOD you are so FAITHFUL and amazing!  I cry out in pain and you answer my pleas... every. single. time.  Bless my journey, God and may all my successes bring glory to you!  AMEN!