denial

As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself? -Celebrate Recover step study

I used anger to try to manipulate, I can see now that I've been throwing temper tantrums all my life to get my way.  I also would get people to feel sorry for me, or think I was so strong by kind of bragging about things I had been through.  I often exaggerated things to make myself look cooler/better.  I know I often used to adopt other peoples' stories as my own.

When I was very young I learned I could get lost in a book and spent a lot of time reading.  After my parents divorced, I frequently had trouble sleeping, so I would stay up all night reading.  I would draw a lot, dark scary things... I dressed sort of 'goth', dyed my hair dark red or black, and peirced my eyebrow, lip, and tongue... trying to scare people away (then get upset when people wouldn't accept me or give me a job!).

I would drink and act outrageous (for me anyway).  Drinking and doing drugs helped keep me from feeling anxiety in social situations, I could talk more openly and confidently.  I could also prove how amazing I was by out-drinking people in drinking games/contests.  I was/am very sarcastic and cynical.  Sarcasm protects me from having to be serious, it is also an outlet to be passive aggressive without actually confronting an issue.

I would meet people (usually men) that I had met on the internet to 'date' and often found myself in situations where I either say yes or become stranded somewhere.  I thought I had to say yes in order to get men to consider dating me anyway... I would agree to casual relationships when I wanted more, hoping that a guy would change his mind...

I was very into what music I listened to, and it was very important to me that people knew that I didn't listen to popular music, that I listened to what I thought was life-changing and amazing.  I worshiped the music I listened to in a way.  I had music for all moods and situations in life.  I tried very hard to impress people with my taste in music, art, and my eclectic 'style.'  These things are still a part of my life, but the importance of them is very low on the totem pole now... After I found Jesus, they just stopped mattering so much.  I find a more powerful release through prayer and obedience to Him now.

I am currently participating in a Celebrate Recovery (a Christian-based 12 step program) Step Study.  I am posting an answer to one question a week here on my blog to share.  Find all my posted Lesson answers HERE.