Sanity

What areas of your life are you ready to release control of and hand over to God? Be specific. -CR Step Study

I have a hard time with this question because I feel I have been or said I've been ready to release control of my food to the Lord so many times.  I want to say it again, but because of my past, I feel anxious and doubtful.  Instead I will say I am ready to release control of my past failures and successes-- to attempt to not allow these to affect my decisions and emotions today.  I may have failed or did great yesterday, but today is a new day and I need to stay focused on now.  I have different scenarios I'm faced with today than I was faced with 4 years, 2 years, a month, or even a day ago.  I can't live back there.  I want to be ready to release control of my food to God.  I want to be OK with only being able to eat a small variety of foods instead of feeling sorry for myself or angry because "It's not fair."  I want to release control of my anxieties to God, when I feel them, pause, and let Him deal with them instead of me and my schemes and compulsions.  I want to release control of anger and frustrations in the same way.  I need divine peace and patience injected into my life here.


Father God, 
You know how I feel about giving my food over to you daily.  How I struggle with controlling it... how I rationalize eating things I cannot eat without falling into gluttony.  Lord I need you to make me willing, daily, to give this over to you.  I need you to speak against the whispers of the enemy.  You have been faithful and I have seen this already happening, I want more of it.  I am feeling more confident lately, in a genuine way, not an eccentric way-- thank you God!  Slowly this fog of anxiety I've been living in is being lifted and the changes are exciting and frightening at the same time.  Lord  I need you to walk next to me in the darkness and lead me through it all.  Bless my efforts and protect me from any evil schemes against me!  Remind me you will open the right doors, help me to run through them!  I find safety and comfort in your embrace, Lord, thank you so much for what you are changing inside me.  
In the name of Jesus Christ I pray- Amen.

I am currently participating in a Celebrate Recovery (a Christian-based 12 step program) Step Study.  I am posting an answer to one question a week here on my blog to share.  Find all my posted Lesson answers HERE.

hope

What do you believe about God?  What are some of His characteristics? -CR Step Study

I believe God wants to help me and heal me, but I get in my own way.  I have experienced many miracles by Him in my life, and know that when I am faithful, He shines for me.  I believe his love for me is huge and unfathomable.  He showed that love to me the day I let my guard down and let Him inside.

I lived for several years as an atheist, through a conversation with a friend about God I found Him.   He was not lost, I was.  I had said to my friend, "if God is so big, perfect and loving; where has He been through all of my the garbage I've been through?"  My friend said, "but what if He was there the whole time?"

As I contemplated that question God broke into my thoughts and gave me visions of all the places in my life He had been there for me: places where I thought I had been alone in agony, where he had (literally) saved my life.  Then all at once I was blasted with His love- and what affected me most- his absolute forgiveness.  I had been so bad and done so much wrong, I had always felt that if God was real, he wouldn't want anything to do with me-- someone who had done many many despicable and shameful things-- but he did.  He wanted me so much, a want I can't even describe with words.  He had stayed with me through all the terrible things I had done, been loyal to me and waited patiently filled with love for my return to Him.

The way I came to God, what He showed me that day, made it impossible for me to deny his existence any longer.  Although I have free will, I see now looking back that He put in place all these little things that softened my heart toward Him... then waited for the perfect time to welcome me back into his arms.  It reminds me of the way a man charms a woman into marriage.

What is God for me?  My God is my superhero.  He has my back always.  No matter where I am with Him, He will be there.  He loves me when no one else can.  He is my friend when I have none.  He genuinely cares about my life and even the tiny details of it.  He knows me inside and out, He spent the time to knit me together in my mother's womb.  He disciplines me as a loving father would.  He accepts me as his CHILD.  He hurts when I do.  He comforts me when I am sad.  He celebrates with me when I'm happy.  He finds absolute joy in surprising me with his gifts.  I cannot imagine my life without Him.  My God, my father, my Abba.




I am currently participating in a Celebrate Recovery (a Christian-based 12 step program) Step Study.  I am posting an answer to one question a week here on my blog to share.  This is from Lesson 3: Hope.  You can also read my answers from Lesson 1 and Lesson 2.

powerless

Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people. In what areas of your life have you been selfish? -Celebrate Recovery step study 

I used to think I was the most unselfish and loving person I knew.  Talk about pride and denial!  I was generous so people would love me, was flexible so people wouldn't get mad at me, didn't complain so people wouldn't leave me.  All it got me was a bunch of 'friends' who used/controlled me... and a lot of resentment.  I never did anything unless I felt there was something in it for me.

In my marriage I have withheld love and forgiveness because I didn't feel my husband deserved it from me, which only exacerbated problems between us.  I've learned that he doesn't deserve my love and forgiveness, but because Jesus loves and forgives me every day when I don't deserve it, I need to do the same in my marriage... and wow has it turned things around.

My social anxiety creates a selfishness in me, when I am so wrapped up in what I'm saying, etc, I forget to listen to the person/people I'm speaking with.  Also, like many people, I tend to talk a lot when I'm nervous, and I am ALWAYS nervous when I am talking to people, so I ramble a lot.  I think that when I'm talking I often fear judgement so I try to cover all angles someone could take what I'm saying so that they can't criticize me or misinterpret me, and it cuts off any type of back and forth dialogue.

I'm sure I've been selfish in many other areas of my life, I'm just not fully aware of it yet.  The Lord won't let me bite off more than I can chew, and I am very blessed for that.

Dear Father, 

I am so selfish sometimes, I've been so prideful and I feel ashamed.  You are so great to love and accept me today as I am, even when I am so imperfect and flawed, and that makes me feel so special.  I have done so many things I haven't wanted to do because I felt the only way to get love was to manipulate people into giving it to me... if only I had known of your love for me then!  Lord, I pray that I never forget about your love for me, that I think about that undying and uninterrupted love when someone slights me-- that I can be able to forgive those who have hurt me and love them like you do me.  Please continue to do magic in my marriage and other relationships, and stay close to me through all you are walking me through.  

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.



I am currently participating in a Celebrate Recovery (a Christian-based 12 step program) Step Study.  I am posting an answer to one question a week here on my blog to share.  Find all my posted Lesson answers HERE.

denial

As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself? -Celebrate Recover step study

I used anger to try to manipulate, I can see now that I've been throwing temper tantrums all my life to get my way.  I also would get people to feel sorry for me, or think I was so strong by kind of bragging about things I had been through.  I often exaggerated things to make myself look cooler/better.  I know I often used to adopt other peoples' stories as my own.

When I was very young I learned I could get lost in a book and spent a lot of time reading.  After my parents divorced, I frequently had trouble sleeping, so I would stay up all night reading.  I would draw a lot, dark scary things... I dressed sort of 'goth', dyed my hair dark red or black, and peirced my eyebrow, lip, and tongue... trying to scare people away (then get upset when people wouldn't accept me or give me a job!).

I would drink and act outrageous (for me anyway).  Drinking and doing drugs helped keep me from feeling anxiety in social situations, I could talk more openly and confidently.  I could also prove how amazing I was by out-drinking people in drinking games/contests.  I was/am very sarcastic and cynical.  Sarcasm protects me from having to be serious, it is also an outlet to be passive aggressive without actually confronting an issue.

I would meet people (usually men) that I had met on the internet to 'date' and often found myself in situations where I either say yes or become stranded somewhere.  I thought I had to say yes in order to get men to consider dating me anyway... I would agree to casual relationships when I wanted more, hoping that a guy would change his mind...

I was very into what music I listened to, and it was very important to me that people knew that I didn't listen to popular music, that I listened to what I thought was life-changing and amazing.  I worshiped the music I listened to in a way.  I had music for all moods and situations in life.  I tried very hard to impress people with my taste in music, art, and my eclectic 'style.'  These things are still a part of my life, but the importance of them is very low on the totem pole now... After I found Jesus, they just stopped mattering so much.  I find a more powerful release through prayer and obedience to Him now.

I am currently participating in a Celebrate Recovery (a Christian-based 12 step program) Step Study.  I am posting an answer to one question a week here on my blog to share.  Find all my posted Lesson answers HERE.