god's economy

"In God's economy, nothing is wasted.  Through failure, we learn a
lesson in humility which is probably needed, painful though it is."

Bill W., Letter of 1942

Today's meditation has me thinking. I've been really having a hard time the last week:  Super stressed out, not able to focus, losing my abstinence, binging yesterday.... I keep hearing the lies of this disease in my mind (that are so obviously LIES from what it's caused for me this week) things like "maybe I can do this on my own" "I can eat these things in moderation".... No I can't. I can't do this on my own, I cannot eat trigger foods in moderation. It will put me right back in the prison of COE. Is this worth it? Worth a little bite of this or a little sip of that? This insanity and struggle I'm experiencing this week? I'm worth more, I deserve better, my body isn't a trash can. The body is a temple for the Holy Spirit, I don't need to be abusing it!

Lord, I need you. You are so big and strong, I can't do this alone today. I'm so weak. I'm absolutely powerless over food and my life is unmanageable! Please Lord take the wheel again, I'm so sorry I tried to take it back. You can have it. I don't want it anymore today. Amen

I've been trying to make sure that each morning after breakfast I read the word out loud. Even if it's just one chapter. I feel like the word spoken is filling my home with the power of the spirit and blesses the ears of my little ones. They might not listen or understand what they are hearing in the background as they play, but I know it's doing something.

I've also been reading a book called Sacred Marriage and the biggest thing I come away from each day is that my adversity and struggles in my life are what make me strong and shape me into a better warrior for the Lord. That if I look at each difficulty in my life as an opportunity for spiritual growth instead of something to lament and even run from, the Lord releases me from FEAR and fills me with CONFIDENCE. what a blessing this addiction to food is for me! What a blessing my marriage is! I can learn so much about forgiveness, grace, love, and sacrifice: The grace and sacrifice Jesus gave so freely for us to be saved! I have nothing to feel sorry about today!

this sacrifice

I feel I had a breakthrough last night during my prayer time, and that multiple times in my reading today the Lord has reinforced it.

Over and over in the NT we hear Jesus ask his followers to give up everything they know and follow him. And that he doesn't stand around and wait for people to say goodbye to their families, to put away their boats or livestock. He says if i am going to follow him I gotta drop everything and do it today, immediately! What really struck me today while reading Luke, where Jesus is talking about his second coming. He says:
"On that day, a person who is on the roof and whose belongings are in the house should not go inside to get them. A person who is in the field working should not go back home. Remember Lot's wife. [this part right here is what really got me--] *Those who try to keep their lives will lose them. But those who give up their lives will save them.*" Luke 17:31-33

Last night as I prayed I broke. I was wrestling with the Lord over a few things and what I realized is that it's pointless to fight. What am I fighting for? To stay miserable? If Jesus walked by and asked me to go with him would I REALLY be able to just walk away from it all? My family, my friends, my home, my Life? Last night I gave it all over to Him. Told him I don't want it anymore. He can have it all, just take me and use me for whatever it is He needs me for. Stop being afraid of offending others, of fitting in, of being right all the time. Then after all I said in my prayer (and yes I get that saying and doing are two different things, pray for me on the doing part!) I open my bible today and read that passage in Luke. Like God really is laying the heavy stuff on me, telling me when I say those things this is what he is wanting me to be willing to do. Ok.

... Lord I'm willing!

I'm going to be adding a more serious exercise regimen to my POA. Probably cutting back on diet soda, then eventually coffee, cutting it out entirely if the Lord tells me it's necessary. The fact that quitting those things scare me tells me there is an issue there. Am i relying on coffee more than God? I have some thinking to do about that.

rigorous honesty

http://52songproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/25_Honestly_720.png

If I am to grow in obedience to God, then I cannot be okay with lying. To myself or anyone else. Satan is called the "Father of Lies", even the smallest lie can lead to trouble. Its a dangerous activity for me, and I want to be through with it. I do not want to give the devil a foothold even with the smallest bit of dishonesty in my life!

Some questions from my OA Loop topic of the day that I answered today. I want to be able to return to these when I need to!

1. Are you committed again this day to eat in a God honoring way?
IF you deviate from this plan today will you see it as dishonest?

I AM! My POE (plan of eating) is to track my calories daily, stay within my calorie goal range, avoid trigger foods (anything with flour or sugar), and turn it all into my sponsor each evening. If I deviate from this, its probably 100% likely that I'm not working my program correctly or plugged into God-- and I often feel a extreme urge to cover this up or down-play it as not a big deal. It always is. The faster I fess up and repent, the easier it is to get back on the right track.

2.What is God teaching you about honesty? Name a bible verse that can help you to stay honest?

I'm finding out that when I feel I have been honest or think I AM being honest, I am often not. Its actually quite disturbing. When I toss out all my excuses and see them for what they are, all that's left is the truth... and the only way I can face it is with the hand of Jesus in mine!

The one whose walk is blameless is kept safe, but the one whose ways are perverse will fall into the pit. Proverbs 28:18

3 Tell of a time when the Spirit empowered you to speak the truth in love IF it was not received well, what was your response?

Most recently, I wrote a letter to my husband about things he was doing daily that had been hurting me and making things hard for me, and that God was teaching me to handle things differently (I struggle with co-dependency, and he's a believer struggling with addiction himself, but is not currently working any kind of program- just trying to deal with things on his own), and that as God shows me the way that his responsibility for himself and his own actions will be laid back upon his own shoulders. I was afraid of how he would react but did it as gently as I could, and it actually went very well. This type of communication (reading a letter vs just bringing up a subject and going back and forth about it getting us no where) was a great tool and we both decided we want to do that again. While I spoke to him and we discussed it after, I could feel the spirit of God in the room with us, and we made some real progress toward hopefully beginning to restore our marriage, and ME being able to release myself from the resentment I have been harboring toward my husband. The biggest most amazing thing about the entire conversation was the fact that I did not BLOW UP! I was able to take 10 steps back from my emotions and just listen and look at things as objectively as I could... and it was (and IS) such a blessing!