SAHMwich : searching fearlessly

Thursday, April 25, 2013

searching fearlessly

so I'm working on my step 4...

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"

Its not very long this time. My first step 4 was like 5 pages long. this one is only about a page and a half. I've been trying to search deeply, i have a few other things i think of, but they don't really bother me anymore because I've already pretty much dealt with them. If I miss something or God reveals more to me later on, I can just add it to the list. I don't know how long I should work on it. I decided to take the AABB format, which I did not do the first time, and it revealed some things for me that I had not dealt with last time.

This step SUCKS. I can feel inside how much stuff I'm writing about is bothering me, and I can feel myself avoiding the work I need to do with it. When I sit down to write about it my mind is blocked or distracted.

I'm actually looking forward to step 5 because I just want to get it out there and done with! I dreaded step 5 last time around. I just gotta find someone to do it with.

Although I have been in and out of recovery and OA, I have definitely internalized a lot of the steps. I'm by far perfect, and even farther from perfect when I'm relapsed, but ITS SO WONDERFUL that I really do try to attempt to deal with my problems and face them now instead of hiding from them. I still let people step over the line sometimes and take advantage of me, but I have learned how to say no and not feel crushing guilt about it. And that is FULLY due to GOD. He has saved me in so many ways!

I feel like I'm missing stuff in my list, but I also am really glad to see how short is it compared to the first time I did it. It shows me that God is helping me deal with things.

I feel sad that my son, my little 3 year old son, is number 2 on my list. But I know facing those resentments and disappointments will help my relationship with him. When I began to write the other day, I didn't think he would even be on the list at all.

I watched a bunch of kid's bible stories today with my daughter, and I think its funny how they show person after person just dropping everything to follow Jesus without even flinching. Maybe it was like that when it actually happened, but I am betting these people had a larger internal struggle than these little movies I watched today showed. I see myself, and how much of a struggle it is for me to put down my work or my idols and follow Him. But its getting easier every day. The Lord is freeing me and moving the roadblocks I've put in the way so that I can get closer to Him. I'm so grateful, and never want them to be in my way again!! How rewarding it is to be obedient.

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Plan of Eating (POE)

Abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous is defined as "the action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight. Spiritual, emotional and physical recovery is the result of living the Overeaters Anonymous Twelve-Step program.” If I have abstained from compulsive overeating, I am abstinent.

My Plan of Eating is what helps me find and maintain abstinence from compulsive overeating. My daily plan is to eat 3 meals and an optional snack without eating in between, avoid eating trigger foods, to plan my meals ahead of time, and to track my meals on my fitness pal so that I am accountable. I have a calorie goal, but that can be flexible depending on how much activity/ exercise I have had that day.

I am not perfect, I have days when I try to eat something I haven't had in a while, days where I experiement with different foods to see what I can or cannot handle. I have days where I eat compulsively, but not overeat- I am still abstinent. I have days where I didn't plan well enough and get stuck eating flour and sugar, if I didn't compulsively overeat- I'm still abstinent. If I'm sloppy with my POE I struggle more, so if I want to succeed then I try to stick with it. But not everything goes according to plan! I have to give myself grace and learn from mistakes, and pray for the willingness to stick with it.

Plan of Action

My Plan of Action is what I attempt to do daily to maintain abstinence.

Journaling/Daily Inventory

writing about my day, my feelings, praises and prayers.

Sponsorship

contacting my sponsor about what's going on with me, look for feedback and advice

Accountability Partners

friends who are in recovery with me that I can call and talk to if I need prayer, help, or just to chat and get my mind off of obsessions

Prayer

spending time with God, humbling myself, asking for my daily bread and armor

Bible Study

feeding my soul the word of God. I believe that the more I read it the more God can change me.

Meditation

spending time being quiet, allowing the Holy Spirit to move and speak to me and for me

Meetings

making going to meetings weekly a priority in my schedule

Exercise

God's natural antidepressant. Also helps me achieve a normal body weight

Proper Hygiene

getting dressed every day, doing my hair and make up every day, even if I am not leaving this house. I am a stay at home mom and it can be too easy to be lax and wear pajamas every day and not take care of myself. My body needs to be properly maintained if I am to continue life with peace and serenity

Meal Planning / Grocery Lists

important in avoiding compulsive eating/food behaviors... helps keep me on track. if my meals are planned out and the food is in the house then there is no reason for me to need to even think about it or make decisions emotionally.

Meal Tracking

on My Fitness Pal- my recovery friends are on there to keep me honest and accountable for ever bite/lick/taste. Helps me know exactly whats going in my mouth and combats mindless eating.