As I begin step work on my step 6, I am faced with finding willingness to allow God to remove my defects of character. I have to be willing to allow God to reveal my pain so we can sort it out and replace it with good things. In my celebrate recovery meeting on Friday, the lesson leader shared about step 6, that I can look at my resentments and defects as weeds in my garden that Jesus can and will remove for me, if I let him. That once removed, it's my job to replace that weed with something new. I never looked at this step this way before and it was a big eye opener for me. As I do my journaling this week I plan to use this visualization over and over again. It gives me hope and a goal (and I really love having a goal to work toward).
Yesterday I was forced to be willing to admit when I am rationalizing eating something off my poe, and told my sponsor that's what it was. Yesterday I ate flour because I thought I would "experiment" and eat flour one day a week like I do when I'm fasting something. I knew in my heart deep down it was a bad idea, I just pushed that feeling away. It's amazing when I want something bad enough, how easy it can be for me to believe my own lies. I'm happy to say that I spent the remainder of the day yesterday abstaining from trigger foods.
I'm learning that if I mess up, I need to be willing to admit it, and the sooner I do, the sooner I can move forward in recovery. Holding onto all the rationalizations and lies I believe holds me back, and confessing them as they come to me free me.
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