SAHMwich : food photojournal- eating disorders

Saturday, October 6, 2012

food photojournal- eating disorders

Breakfast- 1 cup Raisin Bran Crunch, 1/2 cup whole milk (no pic, sorry)

Lunch- 2 ground turkey patties with a dab of ketchup, a salad with carrots and balsamic vinegar, 1/4 cup LF cottage cheese

Dinner- Subway Sub- 6 inch chicken breast w/ spinach, lettuce, tomato, onion, banana peppers, pickles, and southwest sauce (nope- no pic for this either... my son needs his own phone/game/toy type thing)

I need to address something. I have an eating disorder. I hate saying those words, I hate typing them. When I say them to people who don't understand, I feel like I can feel their judgement, thoughts in my head go something like this, "She doesn't have an eating disorder, she's just fat" "She just has no self-control" etc etc etc...... I think sometimes even I believe those words.

I have something called binge eating disorder, or BED, and compulsive over-eating, or COE. I suffer from both. When things in my life are hard, I eat, when there is something to celebrate, I eat, when I feel stressed out- my mind automatically goes to food. I compulse to eat- if I don't eat- I get mad anxiety. Sort of like someone with OCD I guess, but instead of washing my hands (etc), its putting food in my mouth.

I also can go periods of time where I eat well and normally, but then something triggers me to binge. BED is like bulimia without the purging. Although there have been points in my life where I have starved myself (I went months just eating a can of tuna every day and lost 50 lbs), and purged after a binge (by using laxatives or forcing myself to throw up), those are things I don't deal with today-- and were things I never did for a long time.

When I binge, I'm usually alone, or just with my kids (who at this point are very young and have no idea what I'm doing and wouldn't say anything to me) I will go into the kitchen and get something to eat, sit down and eat it, go get more, eat that, go get more, eat that, until I am so full I feel sick. Often I will try to stop myself, by saying to myself "ok, that's gone. I'm done. No more tonight" --but its usually pointless. I can't stop myself. Once I've started a binge I have no control. Much like an alcoholic. There are certain foods that cause binges. For me its sweets, bread, some pasta, pizza and anything like pizza (the sauce/cheese thing is just too much for my mind to handle I guess). I learned last night that I can't have even the healthy mini pizzas (I did not binge, thanks to GOD!!! But boy did I have some massive anxiety! I was so happy to make it to the gym). I can make them for my family, but I will have to have something else... I'm 'allergic'. I'm sure as I go on with this journey I will find more, and honestly I'm looking forward to it. Knowing what food to avoid gives me some power in this powerless battle.

That's what I am confronting today and every day. A disease. I'm sick. Thank GOD I have tools to use that can help me recover.

Learn more about COE and BED

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Overeaters Anonymous

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Plan of Eating (POE)

Abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous is defined as "the action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight. Spiritual, emotional and physical recovery is the result of living the Overeaters Anonymous Twelve-Step program.” If I have abstained from compulsive overeating, I am abstinent.

My Plan of Eating is what helps me find and maintain abstinence from compulsive overeating. My daily plan is to eat 3 meals and an optional snack without eating in between, avoid eating trigger foods, to plan my meals ahead of time, and to track my meals on my fitness pal so that I am accountable. I have a calorie goal, but that can be flexible depending on how much activity/ exercise I have had that day.

I am not perfect, I have days when I try to eat something I haven't had in a while, days where I experiement with different foods to see what I can or cannot handle. I have days where I eat compulsively, but not overeat- I am still abstinent. I have days where I didn't plan well enough and get stuck eating flour and sugar, if I didn't compulsively overeat- I'm still abstinent. If I'm sloppy with my POE I struggle more, so if I want to succeed then I try to stick with it. But not everything goes according to plan! I have to give myself grace and learn from mistakes, and pray for the willingness to stick with it.

Plan of Action

My Plan of Action is what I attempt to do daily to maintain abstinence.

Journaling/Daily Inventory

writing about my day, my feelings, praises and prayers.

Sponsorship

contacting my sponsor about what's going on with me, look for feedback and advice

Accountability Partners

friends who are in recovery with me that I can call and talk to if I need prayer, help, or just to chat and get my mind off of obsessions

Prayer

spending time with God, humbling myself, asking for my daily bread and armor

Bible Study

feeding my soul the word of God. I believe that the more I read it the more God can change me.

Meditation

spending time being quiet, allowing the Holy Spirit to move and speak to me and for me

Meetings

making going to meetings weekly a priority in my schedule

Exercise

God's natural antidepressant. Also helps me achieve a normal body weight

Proper Hygiene

getting dressed every day, doing my hair and make up every day, even if I am not leaving this house. I am a stay at home mom and it can be too easy to be lax and wear pajamas every day and not take care of myself. My body needs to be properly maintained if I am to continue life with peace and serenity

Meal Planning / Grocery Lists

important in avoiding compulsive eating/food behaviors... helps keep me on track. if my meals are planned out and the food is in the house then there is no reason for me to need to even think about it or make decisions emotionally.

Meal Tracking

on My Fitness Pal- my recovery friends are on there to keep me honest and accountable for ever bite/lick/taste. Helps me know exactly whats going in my mouth and combats mindless eating.